I’m Sorry.
Before I begin this post, there are a couple things that I would like to apologize for. I don’t exactly know where to start… So these are in no real particular order.
- I’m sorry I disappeared the way I did.
- Please know that that wasn’t my intention. Literally no one could have predicted that what happened would. I, at least, sure didn’t. In a lot of ways, the last six months of my life seem like a blur… I wish I had a solid reason to explain why I went ghost the way I did, but I don’t. Mostly it’s just because I was finding it difficult to be a person… Let alone a blogger…
- I’m sorry I haven’t been as interactive with my audience.
- I’m working on that. I’m looking into better ways to creative more of a conversation rather than just having my words be on a screen. I’ve also been looking into starting a Patreon so that I can provide a possibly better platform for you all to converse and to better interact with you all. If that is something you would be interested in, please comment below, message me on Instagram or Twitter, or email me at nykg.blog@gmail.com.
- I’m sorry I haven’t been able to promote many of the changes that have been happening with the blog.
- With everything that has been going on, promotion and site updates have been very difficult to keep up with. The post following this will explain a little bit about what has been going on. I’m always up for suggestions and ideas on how to better promote and update, and constantly reference other bloggers and sites. You guys help me just as much as I’ve been trying to help you.
- Lastly, I’m sorry if I failed any of you.
- If you were to ask Dallas what my biggest fear is, he would probably say failing those I care for. Which is true. That and spiders. And heights. And interstates. Honestly I’m scared of a lot of things… But one of the biggest is my fear of letting people down. It keeps me awake at night. I had such a huge growth prior to disappearing and feel like, especially for those who had just started following me, I kind of let you all down. This is also something I intend on working on.
Now onto the actual post…
So I’ve been Absent for a few Months…
You may have noticed that. You may have been waiting for updates. Or maybe you have been sitting awake at night and think about me and Dallas and thought to yourself “Damn. Where the fuck this bitch at?!”
To be honest, I’ve been asking myself similar questions.
The last six months have been a roller coaster of emotions, change, growth, and a battle with my own beliefs and understandings about life and love. It has been a lot of personal and relational growth for both Dallas and I. So, if you all are okay with it, I really wanted to share a bit of this change with you.
It’s not a very romantic or extravagant story. It really doesn’t deserve the flowery prose that I will probably attach to it. But it is my story. And one that I have been trying to work on for the last six months.
One that I want to share with you now.
My only hope is that there are some of you out there who read this and connect with it. Just to have textual evidence that you are not alone. It doesn’t have to be the exact same situations or events… Maybe it’s just the same general feeling. And I guess part of it is that I don’t want to feel alone either. Because for the last few months I have felt the most alone that I ever have.
I also hope that you all can at least try to understand the weight I’ve been carrying for so long. Quite a few of you are close personal friends of mine that know me outside of this blog. And a lot of my story might hurt you. If so, please know how sorry I am for that. That is, and never has been, my intention.
As I am writing this, it is currently 8:00 pm EST on October 13, 2019. I’m sitting at a laundromat roughly 6 blocks away from my apartment. Dallas isn’t here. I’m exhausted. Worn down. Drained. I took the weekend off work in hopes that I could find some time go rest and regroup since I’ve been working 50 hours a week for the last month. Yet here I am, doing laundry, on my second can of coffee (ya’ll sleep on the Starbucks Double Shots), and being glared at by a 6 year old because she obviously wants the Sour Patch Kids I’m eating.
Fuck off kid. Seriously. These are mine.
I’m finding it hard to know where and how to start. Because a lot of things are still just now making sense. But… I guess we will just start from where I feel is best.
Life is Shit Sometimes…
Well, if I’m being honest, it’s shit most of the time. But some days are obviously far better than others. Some days you’re able to brush off the negative bullshit and pretend like it didn’t happen. Some days you can actually interact with the world around you and take in just how beautiful that world is.
Other days you find yourself staring at a wall for ten straight hours debating on exactly how valuable your life is and why you don’t just yeet yourself into oncoming traffic because who the fuck cares right? You stop eating right. Stop showering. Your loved ones become nothing but strangers and you find yourself unable to face them because they have no longer become the safe haven they once were. Because you suddenly find yourself unable to turn to them since all of them see you as this figure of hope and strength. Therefore you have to swallow the excruciating burn of tears and fire in your throat as you are repeatedly told “You’re going to be okay” and that life just be like that sometimes.
You quickly realize how fragile you are, and how impenetrable your own toxic thoughts and actions are when you try to actually find out why you are so mentally fucked up. Nothing in the world makes sense anymore. Your own existence seems demeaning and useless. Every goddamn fucking day is a war with your own head. With your own sense of reality. And you find yourself slipping further and further into the void…
The latter of these was the last six months of my life.
I’m not sharing any of this to get pity. Because fuck that. No, I’m sharing this because I was in a dark, dark place for a really long time. But looking back, I’m not ashamed of it. Sure I’m ashamed of some of my actions and words. Dallas and I have had far too many arguments and we’ve had to shift our focus to repairing a lot of damage that had been done between us…
But I’m still alive and able to take those small, baby steps out of the void with him.
I’m not ashamed that I was broken. That I needed help. I’m not ashamed that my life became a never ending shit show. All of it helped me grow and heal. My mental state hit rock bottom and I had no where else to go but to build back up.
Now, I’m not saying that everything is better. My bad days are still bad. Dallas and I still have arguments. But the bad days haven’t been lasting as long. And I have learned to appreciate the good days. Even when I feel that I don’t want to.
Looking Ahead…
There have been so many changes and discoveries within the last six months that some days it is hard for me to keep up with them. Dallas and I moved to our own – stupidly fucking expensive but we had no goddamn choice – apartment. We adopted a new kitten who has stolen both of our hearts, even when she is being a furry little terrorist. Or rather I should say that she adopted us. We both got new jobs and have been trying to budget better. We see a couples counselor once a week and honestly look forward to those appointments and spending that time together putting work into our relationship.
Dallas and I will celebrate one year together on November 7th.
I am both excited and anxious to see what the future has in store for us. As well as this blog. I know I have sucked at keeping it up, but, as later posts will explain, it was almost impossible. Moving forward with the blog, I feel mostly content with the fact that this will not have one particular aspect that will be the sole focus. My goal for this blog, as well as our relationship, is to not narrow it down to just one topic or genre. Rather, like with relationships, there are a multitude of things that this blog will comprise of. Though I will be discussing a lot of mental health and relationship issues, that is not the only thing this blog is.
That is not the only thing I am.
Life is a journey. And I am so eternally grateful for those who have joined in my adventure.
And sometimes adventures have to start over a few times before they can actually get going… This is one of those adventures.
The Perks of Being Twenty-Something 